


Logistical Nightmare

by TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: ALL THE GAY, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Business setting, CEOs, Coffee Shops, Drunk Bard, Everyone Is Gay, Gay Bar, Haldir is a gay bartender who gives advice, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Oblivious Bard, POV Bard, POV Thranduil, Really only a plot device, Slow Build, Song Lyrics, Telepaths Are a Pain in the Ass, Thranduil Not Being An Asshole, telepaths
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 21:48:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8550388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds/pseuds/TumblingTroublesomeTumbleweeds
Summary: Rumors abound about Laketown Corporation's new business consultant. Some say she's a psychic, others call her a witch, but one thing is for certain, since she was brought in, Laketown has changed CEOs and skyrocketed through the business world.Deciding it was in his company's best interest to ally with the rapidly up-and-coming Laketown, Thranduil sets up a meeting with the new CEO, Bard. He fully expects to encounter the business consultant, but what he doesn't expect is the very attractive new CEO...This is a logistical nightmare.*rating subject to change depending how dirty my muse feels*





	1. Get down to business, let's skip foreplay

Thranduil looked up.

A tall woman entered the room. Her features were pretty in a harsh way. Dark hair pulled into an austere bun, grey eyes hard with the kind of steel that had Thranduil suspecting she did not back down from much. She was clad in a crisp, no-nonsense, grey suit that did not soften her image.

She took a seat.

"My boss will be here shortly," she said in crisp, clear tones. Her grey eyes evaluated him intently and he felt strange; as though she was picking him apart and judging his worthiness.

It annoyed him.

She nodded to herself, as though she came to a conclusion and it satisfied her.

Several minutes later the door opened and Thranduil looked up.

It took all his self-control not to let his jaw drop.

This was the new CEO?

The man standing in front of him was tall, probably only a couple of inches shorter than himself. He did not have the smooth, polished look of a businessman; his dark hair, slightly greying, was half pulled back and fell to his shoulders. His dark blue eyes were tired yet determined, and his facial hair was slightly patchy, save for his mustache and a soul patch. His suit, although in good condition, had seen better days.

But damn was he attractive.

He felt someone staring at him. He glanced at the business consultant. Her steel eyes were glittering in knowing amusement, a small smile curving the corner of her stern mouth.

She could not possibly know, could she?

He was beginning to believe the claims of her being something supernatural when the CEO, Bard, spoke.

"Mr. Oropherion," his voice was a deep, rich, baritone, "it is a pleasure to meet you," he held out his hand.

"Likewise Mr. Dale," Thranduil replied smoothly, shaking the other man's hand. It was rough and calloused, strong and warm.

Thranduil found himself curious about what kind of man Bard Dale was.

They both took their seats. Thranduil very conscious of the unnerving grey eyes watching his every move.

"This is my business consultant, Ms. Guinevere Fastred"

"Ms. Fastred," Thranduil held out his hand, "your reputation precedes you"

She shook it, her slender hands were smooth but cold, like marble.

"Oh, I'm aware," she smiled and he was not sure what she was hiding behind it, but he did not like it.

"I have a business proposition for you," Thranduil said, meeting Bard's eyes with an unwavering gaze, steadfastly blocking the business consultant out.

He laid out his plans for a joint venture, neglecting to mention he had previously attempted a similar joint venture with Oakenshield Incorporation, but the new CEO seemed to hold his father's grudge.

He finished his proposal and leaned back slightly.

Bard had been listening intently, giving nothing away with his expressions. Thranduil was rather impressed by his - very attractive - poker face. The new CEO turned to Guinevere who had also been quiet throughout.

Imperturbable grey eyes revealed nothing.

"He neglected to mention a previously failed joint venture with Oakenshield Incorporation," she said coolly.

Thranduil felt like he had had a bucket of ice water doused on him, how could she know?

"But other than that, his proposition is sound"

Bard nodded, turning to him.

"You have a deal," he said.

Thranduil was mildly surprised. He was half-expecting some sort of negotiation. Other prospective partners had done so, or attempted to do so in the past.

"There is no need to negotiate," Guinevere said, "negotiating would be foolish and you would not yield to anything anyways. The terms are fair..." something about her sentence was odd. The way she trailed off towards the end. However, Bard nodded.

"I look forward to this joint venture," he said, standing with a warm smile that lit up his face. Thranduil followed. He was also looking forward to this joint venture. If only for the chance to work with Bard again.

Thranduil glanced at the enigmatic business consultant. She still had that amused expression on her face. Like she knew something that no one else did.

"You did your research," he addressed her. She just smiled. "Your...talents...are well-known in the business world"

Her smile widened, "I'm merely very gifted at figuring out what people are thinking," she said lightly. Bard smiled and shook his head.

"Thank you for your time," they all shook hands.

"Likewise," Thranduil said.

Guinevere and Bard exited the conference room and Thranduil realized how much of a relief it was to be away from those piercing grey eyes.

The rumors about her were indeed true.

His thoughts turned to Bard. He did not seem like a typical CEO. He had not asked questions, had hardly even spoken, and he had relied solely on his business consultant. Even his appearance was slightly more scruffy than he would have expected.

But he was undoubtedly a significant, and welcomed, improvement from the previous CEO.

He had had the unfortunate experience of encountering the previous CEO. A rather vile man. Obese with thinning, greasy orange hair and greasy facial hair. His appearance was only made worse by his terrible demeanor; cowardly and selfish, he believed himself to be far more important than he actually was. He did have a good sense of business, Thranduil had to give him that, but he had never managed to get Laketown Corporation into the big leagues.

His skeevy advisor was possibly worse. Sycophantic and arrogant, Thranduil could not even be bothered to remember his name.

He was indeed looking forward to working with the handsome new CEO.

He just was not sure about the slightly scary business consultant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fastred is actually a male first name of Rohan. It means "firm-counsel". I figured it fit the character.  
> Found at http://www.darkshire.net/jhkim/rpg/lordoftherings/names.pdf  
> Really helpful if you're looking for a character name.
> 
> Also, title comes from the song   
> "Like OMG" - DJ Earworm.  
> Basically a mashup of multiple songs. Super catchy.


	2. I know this crush ain't goin' away

"So what did you really think?" Bard questioned as he and Gwen got into his car.

Despite having a driver to chauffeur him, he preferred to drive himself. He did not think he would ever get used to the newfound luxuries of life as a CEO.

"He was interesting," Gwen said with a laugh, "I do so enjoy making certain people uneasy around me"

"Was he?" Bard asked in surprise, "he was so hard to read..."

"Not for me, my dear," Gwen laughed. Bard rolled his eyes at his friend's behavior. "You find him attractive," she teased.

"So?" he said, feeling slightly defensive. Sometimes Gwen's _powers of observation_ , as she liked to call it in public, made him uneasy.

She laughed.

"It's written all over your face," she shook her head, "so obvious I don't even have to use my powers of observation"

Bard looked sheepish, "do you think he noticed?"

"No, but I don't think he would have had any problem with it~" she teased, "it would be good for you to get out again, especially after Ingrid..."

"We're going to be business partners," he said firmly, hands tightening on the wheel, "it would be inappropriate"

"Mh," she let out a noncommittal hum.

"And no mind voodoo thing either, okay?" he said.

Gwen laughed, "it's not _mind voodoo_ ," her expression sobered, "and you know I promised never to use it unless necessary and _never_ on you...I will never go back on my promises"

"I know," Bard sighed, "and I'm sorry...it's just...he is really attractive and it's going to be hard"

"Mm, not my type," Gwen rolled her eyes to the ceiling, "too much...man. But _something_ is probably going to be hard at some point," she snickered.

Bard poked her in the ribs causing her to let out a very undignified sound of shock.

"If only all those businessmen knew the Dragon of Laketown was ticklish, your reputation would be ruined"

"I could tell them you slept with a nightlight until you were twenty-three," Gwen commented.

Bard settled back with a grumble knowing she would follow through on her threat.

The rest of the car ride was silent, Bard mulling over the handsome man as Gwen counted signs.

From the minute he had walked in, he had been taken aback. He had heard about the other man's almost ethereal attractiveness through the business world grapevine but he had never taken it seriously.

Until today.

The smooth, luxurious blonde hair, those cold blue eyes, that regal, elegant bearing befitting a king of some faraway land. His palms were getting sweaty just thinking about him. Palms. His hands had been smooth and cool, Bard had felt self-conscious of his own hands, roughened by many years of hard, manual labor.

While Thranduil Oropherion was speaking, he had not been paying attention to anything the man had said, just drowning in the smooth, honey-like voice. He was going to enjoy working with him, if only to get the chance to listen to that voice some more.

Something Gwen had said was niggling in the back of Bard's mind as he contemplated the handsome CEO.

"When you said he wouldn't have any problem..." he began hesitantly, knowing his friend would tease him endlessly.

Gwen's laughter could be heard on the sidewalks and Bard grumbled good-naturedly as they pulled into the parking structure below the Laketown building.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> Crush - David Archuleta


	3. In my head, I see you all over me (and she wishes she didn't)

The day of their first meeting rolled around. Almost too fast for either of them, yet not fast enough.

Bard had mentioned he was bringing Guinevere again and that she would be a fixture at all their meetings.

Thranduil was determined not to let the business consultant unnerve him the way she had during their initial meeting.

He was also going to have to concentrate on not openly staring at Bard himself. He felt like he had done a reasonably successful job the previous time - although he could not quite shake the feeling that that Guinevere suspected something.

He was not sure what to make of her.

"Mr. Oropherion, sir, your one o'clock is here," his assistant, Feren, said over the intercom.

"Send them up," he replied.

He straightened in his chair, leaning back and folding his fingers in front of him. Steeling himself both against the knowing eyes of Guinevere and the attractiveness of Bard.

The door opened and the pair entered. He studied Bard. The other CEO was wearing a blue button-down that made his eyes even more blue.

"Mr. Dale, Ms. Fastred," he said, inclining his head.

"Please, call me Bard," Bard said. Guinevere did not speak, she simply stood against the wall, stern gaze flicking between the pair.

"Bard," Thranduil said, "likewise, please call me Thranduil...now, let's get down to business..."

They spent several minutes discussing their joint venture, Bard had some very solid ideas about what he felt were worthwhile suggestions.

Thranduil decided he could listen to Bard talk forever. He leaned in under the guise of looking at the flowchart Bard had supplied.

It was proving difficult to concentrate on anything Bard was saying, so when Bard had stopped talking, he nearly missed it.

.....

Bard was not having much more success.

He wondered if Thranduil was wearing some kind of cologne because he smelled faintly of cinnamon and it was making it hard for him to think. He wanted to drown in the intoxicating scent.

 _Dammit Bard!_ he heard Gwen's voice in his head _I do not want to be hearing these thoughts! Wait till we're done and I'm out of your head until you think these things!_

 _Sorry..._ he apologized to his friend.

He glanced at Thranduil who seemed to have gotten even closer.

_Bard..._

A warning.

_He asked you whether it will be a partnership, limited partnership, or limited liability corporation_

_What should I say?_

_Limited liability_ her thought-voice took on it's "business tone", which meant to repeat what she said.  _LLCs are not a separate tax entity, so the business won't be taxed...however, we have to file as either a corporation or a partnership and I believe we should file as a partnership._

Bard ignored the mental wink at the word "partnership"

"Right..." Thranduil murmured lowly and Bard felt his pants getting uncomfortably tight. He heard Gwen groan in his head.

Thranduil shifted and his hair fell over his shoulder revealing his pale neck. Bard idly wondered what his neck would look like covered in hickeys.

He heard a choked sound from where Gwen was standing.

Both he and Thranduil looked up. Gwen was just as austere as always, although when Thranduil turned away, she leveled an intense glare at Bard.

He smiled sheepishly and turned back to Thranduil.

The man was calm, composed, and it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.

 _Not for_ _meee_ so, Gwen deigned to slide back into his head.

 _What's_ _he_ _thinking_ _about?_ Bard asked curiously.

He heard Gwen's laugh bounce off the lobes of his brain. For some reason it always sounded louder when she was in his head. Her presence finally settled in a corner.

 _Do you reeeally want to know?_ he suddenly got the picture of a miniature Gwen dancing in his head.

_Stop that, it's distracting._

More laughter.

_I'M distracting? Oh, honey, you've been distracted since you sat down._

Bard had to admit his telepathic friend was right. He sighed and glanced at the papers in his hand.

.....

Thranduil studied Bard. He had a blank look in his eyes.

"Bard?"

The man started slightly.

"Sorry," he smiled apologetically and Thranduil's eyes were drawn to his perfect lips, "I was thinking about the finances," he said.

"Hm," Thranduil heard a cough. They both looked up. Gwen had a faint expression of amusement on her hard features. "I believe that concludes the meeting, doesn't it?" she raised an eyebrow.

Both men nodded.

"Then if you will excuse me, I need to run to the restroom," her cool grey eyes glittered almost mischievously, but it was so brief, Thranduil could not be sure he had not imagined it.

He missed Bard's helplessly panicked expression as the door swung shut behind the consultant.

There was silence in the conference room except for the ticking of the clock.

"Is that your son?" Bard asked, gesturing to the photo on his desk.

Thranduil smiled, "yes. Legolas. He's working as a bodyguard for a very important young man"

"So you're married?" he wondered if that was a hint of disappointment in his voice or whether it was his own wishful thinking.

"Widowed," he said.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Bard said, "I am too"

Thranduil saw him in a new light, "do you have any children?"

"Three," he smiled, "two girls and a boy"

Thranduil returned the smile, "and you're raising all three on your own?" attractive and family-oriented. He could not help but be even more impressed by the handsome man.

"Yes...right now, they're my world"

The door opened and Guinevere returned.

"I believe that concludes our business," Thranduil said. He and Bard stood up. "I think this will be a very successful _partnership_ "

.....

When Thranduil said partnership, Gwen's gleeful presence made itself known in his head again.

The miniature dancing Gwen reappeared and he instinctively smacked the side of his head, immediately feeling foolish.

"Is everything alright?" Thranduil asked. His expression neutral, save for a hint of concern.

"Nothing," he smiled, mentally cursing the laughing Gwen, "I thought I felt a bug on the side of my head"

"Ah," Thranduil said, "fortunately I doubt there are any bugs in this room," he smiled.

Bard risked a pointed glare at his "business consultant". Her external expression remained indifferent, if not cold. But inside his head, he was treated to a giant grin from his nuisance of a business consultant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> In My Head - Jason Derulo
> 
> The addition in parenthesis was just funny to me.


	4. I wanna take you to a gay bar

"Okay, here's the thing," Bilbo said seriously, "we've decided you have a really bad track record with your love life"

Bard nearly choked on his noodles.

"Wait...what? Why are you talking about my love life?"

"For the record, I wasn't talking," Gwen said, gesturing with her egg roll, "I was too busy laughing"

"Gee thanks"

He and Gwen were working late and he decided to invite their friend Bilbo to join them for Chinese takeout and drugstore alcohol.

He was beginning to regret the decision. Bilbo and Gwen had formed an unholy alliance when it came to him.

"Seriously!" Bilbo's face was serious, "it's been thirteen years since Ingrid passed away...you've been on...three dates? All of which have ended either with the girl running out in tears or a shouting match!"

"Don't forget the guy that threw wine all over his pants," Gwen added, poking at her rice.

"And since you're being stupidly stubborn and are not going to do anything about Thranduil...we've decided to take you to a gay bar"

This time Bard really did choke on his noodles. Bilbo thumped him on the back several times while Gwen watched in concern.

_"What?"_

When he was finally able to breathe again, he expressed his incredulity with an eloquently blurted out phrase.

"You're taking me _where_?"

.....

Bard groaned from the passenger seat. Gwen had volunteered to drive, threatening to go back on her promise of not using mind control to force him to a gay bar.

"It's for your own good!"

Which was how he found himself in too-tight pants that Bilbo swore up and down looked amazing on him, and a blue button-down that Gwen had made him leave the three top buttons undone.

This was a nightmare.

He could practically feel Bilbo vibrating in excitement as Gwen sped down the road. He had always been a little afraid of his friend's driving. She handled her car like she was a NASCAR driver and more than once had come a little too close to a pedestrian at high speeds.

They pulled up in front of the bar. Bard peered at the neon sign.

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow, "you're not just bringing me here because your boyfriend bartends and his company owns the bar..."

"What?" he blinked innocently, "he says being a CEO is boring...so he likes to do something on his off-time...it's the most popular gay bar in Middle Earth! It's just a coincidence Oakenshield Inc. owns it...oh, come on!"

Bard felt himself being dragged out of the car and across the street.

The music was loud and grinding Bard's teeth. The lights were flashing enough to give an epileptic a seizure.

Men and women skimpily clad were stumbling around.

"Heeey Bilbo!" the bouncer grinned, "Thorin's working tonight"

"I know," Bilbo laughed, "but we're here to find my friend a date!"

The bouncer studied Bard and grinned, "that shouldn't be hard..." he raised an eyebrow, "if I weren't happily married..."

Bard flushed and Bilbo grinned. The three of them entered the bar. Bard was beginning to think he could risk the wrath of Gwen's mind control when he was plunked on the barstool and Gwen had flagged down a waitress.

"One cosmo, one whiskey and coke...and...surprise me with something sweet," she winked at the waitress who blushed.

"Sure thing," the waitress all but cooed.

"Already flirting," Bilbo shook his head fondly, "shameless"

"Of course," Gwen grinned, "I see what I want and I go for it...speaking of wanting...let's scope potential guys for Bard," she and Bilbo leaned in conspiratorially and studied the bar.

The waitress came back with their drinks and Gwen stopped the search to flirt with her again.

"What about that guy?" Bilbo asked. Gwen glanced up from the phone number, "he's cute"

"What, Captain Man-Bun? He does kind of look like a hairy samurai, which is cool...but I think Bard's type is less...granola? He's wearing Sperry's for Valar's sake...what do you think Bard?"

Bard glanced at where his friend was pointing.

"Don't point," he heard Bilbo hiss, "it's rude!"

He could not tell whether the man was a hippie or a hipster. He never could figure out which was which anyway, but especially not in this case. The man was wearing a pair of pants tighter than the ones Bard had been forced into and a blue and green plaid shirt covered by a loose grey sweater. His brown hair was pulled into a bun and he had a beard with...were those beads braided into it?

"Uh...not quite," Bard took a sip from his drink.

"That one?" Bilbo asked.

"You mean Metrosexual Lumberjack?" Gwen raised an eyebrow, "he looks almost exactly like Thorin except blonde!"

"Bard likes blondes, right?" Bilbo blinked, "Thranduil is a blonde"

Bard groaned and downed the rest of his drink.

"This isn't working," he sighed.

Gwen and Bilbo looked at him in concern.

"You guys go have fun...I'm getting another drink"

"Bard..." Gwen began, "what's wrong?"

Bard looked at his friends, "I'm being pathetic..." the alcohol was going to his head. He remembered he had not eaten. That would explain it. "I wish I could find someone else attractive, but I can't...I'm just gonna be mopey and ruin the night"

"You won't," Bilbo said, "we brought you out for you"

"I'm going to get another drink..." he sighed. He knew Gwen and Bilbo were watching him in concern as he made his way to the bar.

He ordered a shot of whiskey and downed it. Probably a terrible idea, but it could be worse. He stared morosely in the bottom of his glass.

"Rough day?" a smooth voice asked.

He looked up into a pair of very blue eyes. The owner of said blue eyes had long blonde hair and if he squinted, reminded him of Thranduil.

"You could say that," he sighed.

"Wanna talk about it?" the bartender questioned, pouring him another drink. Bard was just tipsy enough to be willing to tell a complete stranger about his unrequited feelings for his business partner and how they were making it difficult for him to concentrate on working because all he could think about was him.

The bartender, to his credit, listened intently.

"My advice?" he said, leaning against the bar, "just bring it up casually...you never know, he could be interested...you're very attractive"

"You really think so?" Bard asked quietly.

"You won't know until you ask"

"Hey! Haldir! Stop flirting!"

The bartender, Haldir, rolled his eyes, "those are on the house by the way," he said straightening, "next time you see this mystery man of yours, gauge his reaction when you mention your sexuality"

Bard nodded and thanked the bartender, who wandered off. He glanced up to see Gwen dancing with a redhead in a green dress and Bilbo flirting with his boyfriend.

He decided to get some air and think about what Haldir had said.

He leaned against the wall of the bar and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes.

Maybe Haldir was right. Or maybe the alcohol was going to his head.

Either way, something had to happen. He was way too fascinated by Thranduil for it to be constructive.

"Bard?"

Wow, his Thranduil fixation was so bad he was imagining his voice. This was a bigger problem than he had first thought.

"Bard, are you alright?"

His eyes popped open. It was not his imagination. Thranduil was standing in front of him, eyes studying him with an unreadable expression. As always, he was impeccably dressed. Bard suddenly felt self-conscious.

"I...what are you doing at a gay bar?" Bard asked intelligently, suddenly regretting the third drink.

"I am not...I was having dinner with my son at a restaurant up the street and decided to go for a walk...what are you doing at a gay bar?"

_Trying to forget about you._

"I'm gay. Where else would I be?"

Something about that sentence did not sound quite right in his head, but he was too tipsy to care.

"I...I did not know," Thranduil said almost thoughtfully.

"I didn't exactly want to come here tonight..." Bard sighed, running his hand through his hair, "but my friends decided to drag me out..."

"Bard!" he heard Gwen call. She stumbled out, grabbing his arm, "just let me know when you wanna go..." she trailed off, "I'm interrupting, aren't I?" she flushed.

"Ms. Fastred?" he heard the sheer incredulity in Thranduil's voice.

Of course it would be a little disconcerting to see the Dragon of Laketown wearing a _very_ short, low-cut black dress at a gay bar.

Bard snorted.

"I'll...be going back inside now," Gwen said slowly, "if you end up _not_ needing a ride with me...text me," she winked and disappeared back into the crowd.

Bard was red-faced.

"Sorry...Gwen can be..."

"Would you like to get coffee?" Thranduil interrupted, "you seem a little tipsy, maybe coffee would help"

"I...sure..." Bard said, slightly confused.

He followed Thranduil down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song:
> 
> Gay Bar - Electric Six


	5. Falling in love at a coffee shop

Thranduil watched the man wobbling down the sidewalk next to him.

Dear Valar, those pants...

Thranduil tugged at the collar of his shirt, feeling his face heat up.

What a weird night.

First the austere and cold Guinevere looking like something out of Playboy (not that he ever read that...although he would never admit it, he had secretly read a few editions of Mandate).

Then Bard. Of all people. The object of his most recent fascination standing outside a gay bar in _those_ pants...

And then his admission to his sexuality which only made Thranduil's thoughts spiral more into that place he was firmly trying to keep them from going because they were business partners for Valar's sake! They were starting a joint venture together...

When his traitorous thoughts perverted the term 'joint venture', was he realized his train of thought was careening hysterically off the rails and he blamed those damn pants.

He glanced at the outline of Bard's incredibly firm-looking ass and was infinitely grateful the weather was chilly enough for him to be wearing his longer coat.

"Here we are," he said smoothly, holding the door open. Bard stumbled in.

"Oh..." he stopped and turned and Thranduil was not expecting that. He collided with Bard and instinctively wrapped his arms around him to keep him from falling.

Wide blue eyes met his own equally wide ones, Bard's face was flushed both from the alcohol and chill of the night. It was all Thranduil could do to not lean down and press a kiss to Bard's perfectly parted lips then and there.

He cleared his throat, righting Bard and removing his hands.

He became aware of the very obvious bulge in Bard's infernally tight pants.

Not helping the situation in his own pants which had been growing steadily worse

"Shall we...sit down...?" Thranduil asked, trying to reign in the sudden awkwardness.

Bard loped to a nearby table and Thranduil had to convince himself that Bard was just drunk.

The waitress came over and he ordered two black coffees.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better," Bard mumbled, "not the best way to find your future business partner, huh?" he smiled wryly, "drunk outside a gay bar"

"Oh, I could think of worse," Thranduil smiled.

Bard blinked up at him.

The waitress returned with their coffees and Bard gratefully drank his.

"I must say," Thranduil began delicately, wondering how to approach the subject, "I did not expect you to be interested in men"

"Yeah," Bard said, "I mean...I'm interested in women too, you know? I mean, I was married to one, and I loved her very much...but when Ingrid died, I decided to try dating guys too. I'd always been interested in both, but never had much of a chance to meet guys since I grew up in a fairly small town..." he trailed off, "I'm rambling, aren't I?"

"It's fine," Thranduil smiled, "I enjoy hearing about you"

That caused Bard to blush and when he did not make a move to say anything more, Thranduil leaned forward.

"It is very similar for me as well," he said, studying Bard intently. The other man flushed darker under his scrutiny. "I have never cared about gender...it seems like such a foolish hangup in the grand scheme of things, love is love...I will admit, I am something of a shallow man. A beautiful person, man or woman, is who attracts me. When I met Mirildis, I knew I had met someone who was not only beautiful but intelligent too..."

Bard seemed to become morose all of a sudden, and Thranduil wondered what it was about.

.....

Bard's thoughts were everywhere. Trying to corral them was like trying to catch a herd of cats.

He had rambled like a fool at Thranduil, the gorgeous, absolutely flawless being sitting in front of him.

He was still processing what sounded like a compliment when he heard Thranduil speaking again. His heart soared when he heard that Thranduil did not care about gender. It meant he had a chance!

"...a beautiful person, man or woman, is who attracts me"

The soaring feeling suddenly slammed into his ribcage and he found it hard to breathe.

Well then, Thranduil would certainly not be interested in him.

Objectively speaking, he knew he was not exactly unattractive, but he was by no means a beautiful or even _handsome_ person. He was painfully average. He was perfectly okay with that though, there was absolutely nothing wrong with being average.

Except the gorgeous creature sitting across from him was most likely not attracted to him.

He took a sip of the coffee, letting it burn his throat. Almost a punishment for thinking it was even possible.

He noticed Thranduil changing the subject and found himself grateful for the distraction. The other man was telling him about his son, Legolas, and how he had just been promoted. Bard made the appropriate sounds. Thranduil asked about his own children.

Bard was always happy to talk about his children. He told him about Sigrid, who was graduating high school, had already been recruited by several top schools. She wanted to become a botanist. How his son Bain, a year behind his sister was just made runningback of his high school football team and had a 4.0. He spoke lovingly of his youngest, Tilda, proudly saying she had won first place in her fifth grade spelling bee and was moving to regionals.

He was so wrapped up in his children, he failed to notice the fond look Thranduil was staring at him with.

"And she loves to paint," he smiled, "I have several of her paintings in my office"

"They sound like lovely children," Thranduil said, "it sounds like you have done a wonderful job"

"Their mother was responsible for their foundation," he smiled sadly.

"You miss her"

"Every day," Bard sighed, "but I know she would want me to be happy..."

Thranduil reached across the table, Bard felt a cool, smooth hand envelop his own. He marveled at the hand, such a contrast to his own.

Thranduil's hand was as elegant as it's owner; slender, pale fingers. He noticed a couple of rings adorning the fingers. He reached out with his other hand and unsteadily traced patterns on the fair skin.

"They must be proud of their father too," Thranduil said smoothly, "he has done quite an amazing job at bringing his company up, and in quite a short time.

Perhaps Bard should tell him the truth.

He just hoped Gwen would not kill him for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyric:
> 
> Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg


	6. I kissed a boy and I liked it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the play adaptation, the Master of Laketown is called "Maxwell". It's not considered canon, but it was better than 'Master'.

You know..." Bard stared into his coffee, "I'm not really that great at business"

"You seem fine," Thranduil reassured him, "I happen to be very impressed with your business knowledge"

Bard shifted uncomfortably and Thranduil found himself curious about the man's shift in behavior.

"It's not me," he said almost miserably, "it's Gwen..."

"But you are the one who seems to come up with those answers during our meetings...Guinevere is mostly silent"

"She's telling me what to say..." he said quietly, "in my head"

Thranduil choked on his coffee.

Okay, that just took a turn for the weird.

Was he dreaming?

That would explain the previous strange parts of the night.

"I am not sure I follow," he dabbed his lips with the cloth before placing it back on his lap, "she's telling you what to say in your head?"

"Gwen is...different..." Bard confessed, "she's a telepath"

As insane and implausible as it sounded, Thranduil found himself believing Bard's words. He had long suspected there was something about her, but he did not know what.

"A...telepath"

"Yeah...she's the business person...business school and everything," he looked even more miserable, "I wasn't even in any position to take over as CEO...I was just a lowly IT guy...Gwen was head of finance and noticed something was off with their numbers so she used her telepathy to investigate and discovered that Maxwell, the previous CEO, was embezzling money with the help of his assistant Alfrid. She told me and I claimed I had found the information on his computer...I didn't even do it to be CEO. I didn't even _want_ to be CEO. That was never a plan! But Gwen was scared if the truth of her telepathy came out, she'd be blacklisted or worse...it all took on a life of it's own and before I knew it I was named CEO but I didn't know the first thing about business...so Gwen offered to help me in the business side of things...I was a soldier and served in combat as a squad leader, so I know enough about leading people to be solid on that side of things..." he trailed off helplessly.

Thranduil sat there in shock, having only picked up parts of Bard's rambling.

"Your business assistant is a telepath and the one who makes the business decisions," Thranduil said, trying to sort it out in his head, "and she tells you what to say by communicating to you telepathically"

"Yeah," Bard shifted in his seat.

Thranduil had a freezing thought.

That must have meant she was reading his mind!

"Was she reading my mind?" Thranduil demanded.

"Only initially," Bard said quickly, holding up his hands, "to make sure you were on the up-and-up and not trying to con me...she only does it when necessary...says it's not her place to read people's minds and that most people are never thinking of anything interesting to begin with"

So that would mean she knew about his attraction. That explained the knowing glances she threw their way all the damn time.

Yet here was Bard, sweet, beautiful, drunken Bard, and he had absolutely no clue about Thranduil's attraction.

Or did he?

Thranduil studied his business partner. Bard was currently focused on fishing a sugar cube out of his coffee with a toothpick.

Given his confession of Gwen's true role, something Thranduil suspected Bard would have taken to the grave otherwise, Thranduil suspected that Bard was genuinely clueless.

That made him even more endearing.

"You are adorable"

Bard looked up with a frown.

"I...what? Adorable? I'm not adorable. Kittens are adorable. Puppies are adorable. My children are adorable, when they're not being absolute monsters. I am not adorable"

"I disagree"

Bard looked ready to argue and Thranduil held a finger to his lips, effectively cutting him off.

He would have much rather have given him a kiss, but that would not be appropriate, especially given the level of Bard's intoxication.

"I. Disagree." Thranduil repeated firmly, "and I hold a sixty percent share in our joint venture"

He watched as color crept up Bard's cheeks. The other man darted his tongue out to lick Thranduil's finger.

_By the Valar..._

Thranduil felt his pants tightening painfully.

If not for his incredible self-restraint, he would drag Bard out of the coffee shop and propriety be damned, ravish him right there on the street.

He saw Bard glance at him contemplatively before the other man leaned over, grabbed his tie and pulled him into a kiss.

Thranduil was stunned.

Bard's lips were soft but slightly chapped. Thranduil could taste the whiskey on them.

But almost as soon as it had happened, it was over.

Bard released his tie, a horrified expression crossing his features.

"I...I..." he stuttered, "I don't know what came over me...oh Valar, I'm so sorry...I..." he looked around in a panic before standing up and taking off.

Thranduil leaned back in his seat, dazed. He held his fingers to his lips.

Had that actually happened?

.....

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck_

Bard ran down the street, back to the nightclub in a flurry of tangled limbs and embarrassment.

Alcohol. He needed more alcohol. He flagged down another bartender, not Haldir, and ordered a shot of tequila.

Very rarely did he do that.

Actually, he could not remember the last time he had done that. Probably during college.

He downed it before ordering whiskey.

He slid his card down on the table and told the bartender to keep an open tab.

He downed the whiskey and ordered another.

He was four drinks in when he felt a soft hand on his shoulder.

Bard turned to see Gwen's concerned grey eyes staring at him. Thorin was standing behind her with Bilbo clinging worriedly to his boyfriend's arm.

"I kissed him," he slurred, standing. His vision blurred and the floor began to approach but he landed on something soft instead.

"Can't...believe...did that..." he murmured before passing out on Gwen's shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song lyric:
> 
> I Kissed a Boy - Cobra Starship


End file.
